SPOTLIGHT: My story.

Wow, this feels weird. I am in total awe of Veggie and Mummyhill who have allowed me the privilege of posting their stories here, and I suppose that I should do the same.

My name is Suzi and I am the owner of DWD. Although my story is a little different. Although I have had PND with the birth of each of my babies it's not the same.

For me PND was so different each time and is truly not something I would wish on my worst enemy. It was so hard when you were meant to be the happiest person alive as you had your new bundle of joy to love and to look after and who would love you.

With my first (now 10!) his delivery was just the worst that you could ever imagine. The "not for faint hearted version" is that I was having contractions from the Sunday night and they got to 1 minute apart but I didn't dilate. Eventually on the Wednesday morning after no sleep, huge amounts of pain etc I eventually had an emergency C Section. It's a miracle that he is here, and me too. But no one (not even my husband) will ever know the full details of what happened during that time. I still have nightmares about it. With him I was so overprotective, but also trying to come to terms with the circumstances of his delivery and knowing that when he was 4 months old I would have to go back to work. It was horrible.

With my second I honestly didn't know if I could go through that again, so went to a different hospital who were brilliant. She was an elective c section as I was told there was no way I could ever even try to give birth naturally. After I had her though I just couldn't bond once we left hospital at all. I still feel guilty for that. She is amazing though. It didn't last long, my husband spotted all the signs and got me to talk to my health visitor. He also was brilliant, he listened to everything I had to say and never judged me for how I was feeling.

My third pregnancy was awful. My husband had crashed really badly with depression and openly told me that he didn't want any more, but that he would stick by me and my decisions. I knew I couldn't terminate the pregnancy and am so glad I didn't. She is such an amazing character (now nearly 6) and from the first moment he saw her he was glad too, she melted his heart instantly. With her I wouldn't let anyone else near....

One of the worst PND days was when I had to go for my 6 week check up at my GP's. I had my two baby girls (1 at 6 weeks and 1 at 16 months) in a double buggy and had bought only the bear essentials out with me. I had booked in at reception and gone to sit outside the drs room to be seen. I was there for what felt like hours, but I couldn't go anywhere to check as I didn't want to miss the appointment. I was in pain (3rd C section) and both the girls needed feeding and I had to get back in the other direction to get my 3 year old from nursery. It was only when the receptionist walked down with a cup of tea for the dr, looked at me and said "oh sorry I forgot to book you in! You'll have to come back to reception with me and we'll have to rearrange!" I couldn't believe it. I followed her back to the reception and just cried as she told me that I couldn't be seen now for another 2 weeks. I ended up collapsed on the floor of the reception with 2 screaming babies. It was at that point that my health visitor was called to help me as "well you are rather emotional aren't you?" She was amazing. She did the "are you suffering with pnd test" with me and was shocked as to my high level. She knew about my husband and was concerned, but supportive. She referred me to home start who were fabulous too. From there things got better. They did. Getting just a little help a couple of hours a week really was amazing.

But it was nothing like the way that my husband got. He sank deeper and deeper into a depression whilst he was working as a mental health housing support worker. His client base were people with very complex mental health illnesses and this did pull him down. The constant fighting of "the system" which just wasn't put in place to help (or so it seemed). Just as he found "the answer" another part of "the system" popped up and blocked the way. In the end it was just all too much for him.

He had a breakdown. It was the most scary time that I can remember. Up until we had a letter through the door saying "notice of intention to seek posession" I was under the impression that he was still paying the rent. He hadn't been. I wasn't working at the time and was at home with 1 3 year old displaying all the classic signs of Aspergers, 1 15 month old and a newborn baby. I didn't know what to do or where to turn.

No one at the benefits agencies would talk to me as if I was human, some of those I did end up speaking to were so amazingly rude. Did they think I wanted to be in this situation? Begging them for help?

Several days are clearer and more ingrained than others. He couldn't really function at all for 3 months, he didn't know how to interact with me or his babies. He likens it to knowing that there are 3 children there who need to be looked after and going through the motions, but now he's much better it's like they are HIS children. Does that make sense?

He went on medication. The side effects were awful. So he stopped. Just stopped and then felt even worse. He then tried some different meds, same thing. He had CBT and Counselling none of which really worked for him. Then he tried different meds and they made a difference. OK so it wasn't MY him, but he was far more alive than he had been. The meds were upped and upped and he was on them for 3 years. Within that time he has had a couple of CPNs - one of whom was brilliant, but only a locum.

The side effects from being on such a high dose for a long time is that he couldn't feel anything. Just numb is how he described it to me. He couldn't cry, couldn't feel joy or sadness or anything. He made the decision to stop taking them. Although I would have rathered that he did it gradually I knew he wouldn't and he didn't. He just stopped. To be honest though we haven't looked back. He now takes omega 3,6 + 9 oil capsules and these are just brilliant for him.

In the midst of all that with a friend we started DWD. I didn't want anyone else to ever have to go through what I had - the feeling of being alone, of not knowing who to talk to, where to turn. It's been such a hard journey, but so worth it. I will never ever underestimate the power of talking and of knowing that someone is there who actually cares. That's the most important thing and if I can be that person for 1 other person then I have done some good. All I ever wanted to do when I was little was to change the world and with my fabulous crew on DWD I will do - one person at a time.

Spotlight on "Mummyhill"

Again, as with the other "spotlight" pieces we are running, please remember how brave these members are sharing their story. They are doing it, not for glory, but in order to help others and to help break down the stigma surrounding mental health illness.

Mummyhill has been with DWD for many years and is now Assistant Admin. Without all her hard work behind the scenes it would be a total nightmare trying to keep on top of everything! Much much love and respect to another now very close friend.

I am 36 yr old mum of three. I have suffered from depression on and off since my childhood. The first bout was triggered by a series of deaths in the family the most distressing one was the loss of my Cousin in an RTA. After my second child I had sever post natal depression which led to a well meaning person putting a report in to social services which I found extremely distressing. After they had signed everything off we had a new health visitor who applied a lot of pressure and made me feel threatened this led to me coming very close to a break down. I stopped my Anti depressants when I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd child and have received a lot of counseling including some CBT work.

At my very lowest points I stop doing housework and looking after my self properly. I ignore letters and important looking post as I can't cope with anything else on top of the depression and getting the children sorted out. They have always been put to the fore front I ensure that they are well fed properly clothed etc but neglect myself instead. This has understandably led to tensions within my marriage but we have worked through most of it.

Many people find it hard to understand depression and there is still a stigma which needs to be removed. The worst thing for me is being told to pull myself together or to stop being a drama queen when I over react to a situation due to my anxiety issues. The best thing has been finding DWD with all the support there.


I tried a wide variety of anti depressants before finding the right one for me. I have had counseling and CBT therapy. The CBT has been very effective although the most important thing was learning to talk to people and ask for help. DWD and the team there have been a massive help in that area and have given my the courage to speak out.


The most important things to remember are:
1) You are not alone.
2) It is really important to eat and drink sensibly.
3) Exercise can help
4) Last but no means least talk to any one and everyone but mostly to a medical professional if they don't know there's a problem they can't help you!

Friday!

So it's FridayFab5s day again! I am sure that these weeks are moving quicker and quicker! Have you logged on and written your list of 5 things which have been positive for you or made you smile this week? It's such a good exercise and it is less than one thing a day! This weeks list can be found HERE

We have to send our congratulations to two of our American members who became grandparents again last night! Brilliant news! Well done to MaraUT and to LostFriend.

It's been a really busy week on the forum. It's been lovely to see some older members as well as seeing new ones too. It's lovely to hear what everyone is up to!

We have had several members having issues with alcohol this week so Mummyhill has updated our list of helpline numbers to include some for dealing with alcoholism and MaraUT has added the relevant ones for the US too. If you need them don't hesitate to call someone. Remember alcohol is a depressant and so won't be helping your mood. Helpline thread can be found HERE

Spotlight: Veggie's Story

Please remember that this has been written by a member who has bravely decided to share her story. I am incredibly in awe of this member. She is amazing and an inspiration for all in my opinion. I haven't changed anything. This is as she wrote it.

Thank you for sharing.

My Name is Veggie,i am married to a great husband and have a fabulous daughter who will be 18 in the summer, i have a lovely caring enviroment.

I clean for elderly people which i enjoy as it gives me chance to have a good old chat to them.It's not so much about the cleaning,it's more about company and support for them really.

I have suffered with depression for as long as i can remember, but as a child i didn't really realise it was depression, i just felt "sad".
The thing that really kicked it off was the fact that i was sexually abused by my father from the age of 4 1/2yrs and mentally and physically abused by my mother for as long as i can remember.
I can remember as a 3yr old being beaten for wetting the bed, (i continued to wet the bed well into my teens) My dad would protect me from the beatings as long as he was getting certain favours.

There was no escape anywhere for me, we had no other family and were known as one of those "odd" families on our street, some of the other kids weren't allowed to play with me.
When i got to secondary school the bullying started really badly and what little self-esteem i had was virtually bullied out of me,i became very withdrawn.
My sister had the same happen to her and although she got beatings from our mother,it was made clear that she was our mother's favourite, i would often be told that i wasn't loved.I once found a poem written to my sister from our mother telling her how beautiful she was and what a fabulouse daughter she was,that was the biggest kick in the teeth and i knew from that moment that my mother truly hated me.

When i was 11yrs old my parents managed to fool social services into letting them foster, we had a girl that was mentally disturbed,eventually she started to get beatings too, her school stepped in and my parents were taken to court, it was such a scary time,the police turned up one saturday morning and arrested all of us,i was locked in a cell alone and saw none of my family, i was told that if i didn't comply i would be put into care. I wish so much that i had been brave enough to speak up,but i wasn't.
The case was dropped on a technicality and the foster girl was never seen by us again,niether did they foster again.

Somehow i managed to carry on through life and eventually when i was 20yrs old i mat my lovely husband and finally told him about everything,he was the first person i'd ever told.
He was fantastic and really helped me,we'd talk for hours and i would cry for hours.
When we moved in together i remember trying to pick fights all the time because i wasn't used to being treated nicely, i wanted him to shout at me and abuse me because that was what i was accustomed to.
I eventually has coucelling for 5yrs and it did help to an extent.
We went on to have fertility treatment and had our daughter and once she was born i was determined she wouldn't suffer the way i did, i tried my hardest to make life good for her.
Ii'm sorry to say that i do still suffer with depression and i think i always will,sometimes i handle it,sometimes i fall to pieces.

The worst thing about suffering with depression is the feelings of hopelessness,the desire to end life,the failure to see good in life.
But there are also posative to being depressed, one is that i have found this amazing site and have made some fabulous friends, also depression has made me the person i am today, a fighter and a survivor.
Last year certain events triggered me to have a breakdown and i'm still trying to recover from that now.I get good days and bad days,which is something i've learnt with the depression.

I think the most important thing when suffering from depression is to talk,open up and let all the "poison" out and to take tiny steps on the climb back up, at the time you feel as if you will be forever under this huge black cloud, but that isn't the case,there is light at the end of the tunnel,there are good days you just have to take them when they come,grab them with both hands and soak them up.
On a bad day try to remember that there are and will be good days again.
That's it in a nutshell really, never give up.

Spotlight

Tomorrow will be the first of the DWD Spotlight sessions.

One of our members who has had an amazing journey and is a true inspiration has been brave enough to write her story and has allowed me to publish it here. I shall be doing so with the utmost respect and admiration for her.

Please check back tomorrow for Veggies story.

The Fab 5s

This has to be one of my favourite threads we do each week.

The general idea is that over the week (Friday to Friday) we notice 5 things which have either made us smile or been positive for us and we list them. It's as simple as that. It's the only thread that we allow NO NEGATIVITY at all.

Some weeks 5 things may seem like a mammoth target and although the idea is to get 5, 1 is equally celebrated as are 7, 8 or 9. Each achievement is worth it's own celebration/victory/fireworks!!!

The theory behind the thread (yup there is one!) is that it helps to realise that even in the darkest times there is something good that has happened. It may be really really hard to see at the time, but looking back a spark of hope is always around.

Once members have been taking part in the weekly thread then they will become more practised at looking for the positives and hopefully then they can try to do this more often and so are able to cope better with daily issues and can find it easier to find those sparks when and if things get darker and harder for them.

The reason for doing it on a Friday is simple. The majority of people who are at work are off at the weekend or do social things such as meeting up with friends/going out etc and can do with starting off in a more positive frame of mind.

So there, that's the FAB 5's. Why not have a look through this weeks, and even join up and have a go!

Happy 4th Birthday DWD!

Wow, I cannot truly believe that DWD has been going for 4 years today! This is amazing. I don't think that when we started it that we would today still be going, let alone have over 80000 posts by 3000 or so members! On the one hand these figures are amazing and really do make me "wow!" But the sad reality are that these are people who haven't been able to get the help, support and advice from any other source and so have found us. I am so pleased that we have been able to support these 3000 or so and hope that we can support many many more over the coming years. Hopefully with us working with some of the other groups such as Time for Change, Breaking the silence and with TV producers such as Claire from Maverick TV things will change quicker for those with mental health illness and depression.

Anyway, happy day today! DWD is 4!!!!!

I thought I would share with you some things from our members!

Many people who have worked through a dark patch in their life look back at some of their beginning posts and just can't believe how far they have come. Sometimes it's amazing to see that journey unfold and although you can see how brilliantly someone is doing it's almost impossible for them to realise until they have managed to work their way up the ladder and can look around seeing how far they have come. I have included some quotes from members about how DWD has helped them over the years but have done them anonymously for obvious reasons.

"Dealing With Depression is a wonderful place. It's somewhere I can talk about how I am feeling without having to hide or to pretend. I know that no one will judge me as everyone understands what I am going through."

"Without Dealing With Depression I don't know where I would be now. DWD has changed my whole life. I now know that I am not alone."

"It's really great to know that there is always someone there who can listen."

Comments like this are amazing to hear. The mods and admin team work really hard to make sure that no one is alone, or feels alone and all believe passionately about being there and talking to people, helping them climb that ladder. We all are there no matter what is going on in our own lives, and we have all been there either as someone who is experiencing mental health illness or as a carer of someone who has.

One of our members has taken up watercolour painting. This is a huge step for this member who has allowed me to post some of their paintings here, which I am sure you will agree are amazing. The final picture here is of a special place to them, a local Church which they find so peaceful. It is amazing to see how far this member has come, especially when you know that they had a breakdown not that long ago. V - you are a true inspiration.

Happy birthday DWD. Let the party start! :)