I had this sent through to me, and it really touched me. I thank you Lisa for sharing your story of pain and yet you are still full of hope. What Lisa has to say and her message about the importance of talking is SO important. Whether you talk here, on Facebook, on our forum, or however else you feel comfortable, just do it. Make that decision today to talk to someone about how you really are feeling.
Thank you Lisa,
Suzi
Lisa's Story:
I never wanted to talk. I never thought it could help me. Turns out, I've just never given anyone the chance to listen.
I'll be honest, I'm still not great at voicing my thoughts, but after one scare, and a break down to my mother, it was all over red rover. I'd run out of options.
See, I always had a lack of self confidence, that with the sneaking grit of all mental illness, it quietly morphed into a depression/anxiety over my high school years.
Not really ready to face the world alone (and penniless) I opted for a gap year, hating practically every moment I had to smile and converse with a customer, or ask a colleague for help. How was it to know this would become a serious problem, that it wasn't me just it being a 'people person'?
In a sense this probably made the carpet slip from underneath me more than it would've ordinarily, had I not grown to (aside from my great family, and a small group of friends who were slipping further away by the month) completely despise my home town, for its people and also severe lack of ocean water, my happy place.
But alas I had taken on an interstate move to search for my dream ( I thought it was my dream, but then I wasn't sure, what if I wasn't good enough, what if I never got a job?
Frustration built with every not up to scratch mark, and mindset crept down and down with every time I was more than not up to scratch, or when I knew I was falling behind my classmates. No matter how many times you tell yourself not to compare yourself to others, there no helping but to think you should be better.
Not asking for help has always been a typical characteristic of mine, but the more trouble I have, the less confidence I have to ask. Then I dug myself too far into a hole far too big to escape from. And that's when it happened. Self harm in itself is often far more severe then what I attempted. But the principle is the same. we need help. it is all finally too much. I got scared, really, really scared.
It was a good time to realise that I could tell someone, that a I had a friend I could trust to understand, and look after me. Besides my parents, I'd never had that before. I'd have never realised how much my struggle was actually making my studies hard, and vice-versa. The big step had been taken and I applied, and was granted special consideration. I had counselling, sought to have medication reviewed and registered as a disability student. Within days it seemed like a support network had sprung up from the ground, something that I'd never previously been able to see.
I learnt something new.
People. Care.
There is still a massive uphill journey ahead. I am terrified of it. But at least I'm on that journey.
Best of luck on that uphill climb. Those that understand serve as your cheering section.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't have said it better. I knew I suffered with depression/anxiety for years and years. It wasn't until I finally hit bottom and ended up in the hosppital for 10 days a year and a half ago that I finally got treatment. It has been an extremely hard road since. Now dealing with breaking up with the love of my life, death of a dear uncle, undergoing tests now to see if I might have cancer or other disease and several other things. I am learning to talk about my feelings more and not be ashamed of my depression. I have found friends and family 100% supportive and they are always ready to listen. Most even have said they would like to know more about depression and related mental illnesses. Yes I have a long long road ahead as most of you do too. But you know what each day that road does get easier and easier to walk know that you are not alone anymore and things really do start to get better.
ReplyDeleteI can surely empathise. Now 3 years down that road, many months of melancholy following on from anxiety, mostly brought on by life-altering events (work place injury coming on top of relationship rejection in the extended family) & 4-5 identifiable relapse periods, I have to reiterate here(that talking, as in expert counselling & the most beautiful network of supportive family & friends)is the key element that saved me too! We can't do without it. Medication, meditation & other life-style changes, are all wonderful aids in recovery but if we don't have that verbal outlet somewhere, to let it all out, it will really eat you up! It is not easy to lay yourself out there, flaws & all, a very humbling experience, but it is also the very best thing that you can ever do for yourself. You do come through the other side so much more resilient & richer for it because you do know what pain feels like. Adversity is character building & enormous compassion grows out of such an experience.
ReplyDeleteThat is not to say that it won't creep back every now & again, & it is disappointing when it does, but you learn what the triggers are (sometimes!) & you come to understand what works to lift yourself out of it again & that is so empowering. So hang in there & if necessary live one day at a time, one hour at a time, & when its really rough going, 15 minutes at a time! Anyone can do that! This too will pass!