SPOTLIGHT: My story.

Wow, this feels weird. I am in total awe of Veggie and Mummyhill who have allowed me the privilege of posting their stories here, and I suppose that I should do the same.

My name is Suzi and I am the owner of DWD. Although my story is a little different. Although I have had PND with the birth of each of my babies it's not the same.

For me PND was so different each time and is truly not something I would wish on my worst enemy. It was so hard when you were meant to be the happiest person alive as you had your new bundle of joy to love and to look after and who would love you.

With my first (now 10!) his delivery was just the worst that you could ever imagine. The "not for faint hearted version" is that I was having contractions from the Sunday night and they got to 1 minute apart but I didn't dilate. Eventually on the Wednesday morning after no sleep, huge amounts of pain etc I eventually had an emergency C Section. It's a miracle that he is here, and me too. But no one (not even my husband) will ever know the full details of what happened during that time. I still have nightmares about it. With him I was so overprotective, but also trying to come to terms with the circumstances of his delivery and knowing that when he was 4 months old I would have to go back to work. It was horrible.

With my second I honestly didn't know if I could go through that again, so went to a different hospital who were brilliant. She was an elective c section as I was told there was no way I could ever even try to give birth naturally. After I had her though I just couldn't bond once we left hospital at all. I still feel guilty for that. She is amazing though. It didn't last long, my husband spotted all the signs and got me to talk to my health visitor. He also was brilliant, he listened to everything I had to say and never judged me for how I was feeling.

My third pregnancy was awful. My husband had crashed really badly with depression and openly told me that he didn't want any more, but that he would stick by me and my decisions. I knew I couldn't terminate the pregnancy and am so glad I didn't. She is such an amazing character (now nearly 6) and from the first moment he saw her he was glad too, she melted his heart instantly. With her I wouldn't let anyone else near....

One of the worst PND days was when I had to go for my 6 week check up at my GP's. I had my two baby girls (1 at 6 weeks and 1 at 16 months) in a double buggy and had bought only the bear essentials out with me. I had booked in at reception and gone to sit outside the drs room to be seen. I was there for what felt like hours, but I couldn't go anywhere to check as I didn't want to miss the appointment. I was in pain (3rd C section) and both the girls needed feeding and I had to get back in the other direction to get my 3 year old from nursery. It was only when the receptionist walked down with a cup of tea for the dr, looked at me and said "oh sorry I forgot to book you in! You'll have to come back to reception with me and we'll have to rearrange!" I couldn't believe it. I followed her back to the reception and just cried as she told me that I couldn't be seen now for another 2 weeks. I ended up collapsed on the floor of the reception with 2 screaming babies. It was at that point that my health visitor was called to help me as "well you are rather emotional aren't you?" She was amazing. She did the "are you suffering with pnd test" with me and was shocked as to my high level. She knew about my husband and was concerned, but supportive. She referred me to home start who were fabulous too. From there things got better. They did. Getting just a little help a couple of hours a week really was amazing.

But it was nothing like the way that my husband got. He sank deeper and deeper into a depression whilst he was working as a mental health housing support worker. His client base were people with very complex mental health illnesses and this did pull him down. The constant fighting of "the system" which just wasn't put in place to help (or so it seemed). Just as he found "the answer" another part of "the system" popped up and blocked the way. In the end it was just all too much for him.

He had a breakdown. It was the most scary time that I can remember. Up until we had a letter through the door saying "notice of intention to seek posession" I was under the impression that he was still paying the rent. He hadn't been. I wasn't working at the time and was at home with 1 3 year old displaying all the classic signs of Aspergers, 1 15 month old and a newborn baby. I didn't know what to do or where to turn.

No one at the benefits agencies would talk to me as if I was human, some of those I did end up speaking to were so amazingly rude. Did they think I wanted to be in this situation? Begging them for help?

Several days are clearer and more ingrained than others. He couldn't really function at all for 3 months, he didn't know how to interact with me or his babies. He likens it to knowing that there are 3 children there who need to be looked after and going through the motions, but now he's much better it's like they are HIS children. Does that make sense?

He went on medication. The side effects were awful. So he stopped. Just stopped and then felt even worse. He then tried some different meds, same thing. He had CBT and Counselling none of which really worked for him. Then he tried different meds and they made a difference. OK so it wasn't MY him, but he was far more alive than he had been. The meds were upped and upped and he was on them for 3 years. Within that time he has had a couple of CPNs - one of whom was brilliant, but only a locum.

The side effects from being on such a high dose for a long time is that he couldn't feel anything. Just numb is how he described it to me. He couldn't cry, couldn't feel joy or sadness or anything. He made the decision to stop taking them. Although I would have rathered that he did it gradually I knew he wouldn't and he didn't. He just stopped. To be honest though we haven't looked back. He now takes omega 3,6 + 9 oil capsules and these are just brilliant for him.

In the midst of all that with a friend we started DWD. I didn't want anyone else to ever have to go through what I had - the feeling of being alone, of not knowing who to talk to, where to turn. It's been such a hard journey, but so worth it. I will never ever underestimate the power of talking and of knowing that someone is there who actually cares. That's the most important thing and if I can be that person for 1 other person then I have done some good. All I ever wanted to do when I was little was to change the world and with my fabulous crew on DWD I will do - one person at a time.