Over to Emmie with my total admiration and respect........
Some days you just wake up
And you don't have any real sense of direction
You just can't find the will
To get up and go through with it all
Your next allotted twenty-four hour slice of destiny
There's just a bad vibe
And rather than a world of opportunities
It's full of threats and just too many negative variables
- The Perception of Johnny Punter – Fish
That song lyric has always resonated with me, but no more so than at the moment, I've been dealing with severe anxiety (I may start a rival website to Dealing With Depression!) and currently the world is a terrifying place. I've considered marking off all my worries on my arm like in Dr Who when they see The Silence, but I would end up looking like this:
The first thing I think when I wake up is thank goodness, I wasn't ill in the night (emetophobia, a phobia of being sick). Then, if I already have the day planned out for me and my four year old I just worry about what time I have to get up. If the day isn't planned I'm off to a bad start I'll worry about what we'll do all day, how I'll keep the four year old entertained, how I'll cope and all before I've even properly woken up! I put on my “public face” (you know, the one where people don't realise there anything wrong, important for my very sensitive little girl)
Breakfast usually goes smoothly, Herself (the four year old) watches cbeebies, eats her breakfast and generally witters away to herself about nothing in particular, we usually have long discussions about why she can't have chocolate for breakfast but that's pretty normal! I will generally answer emails etc for my business (self-employment, it pays nothing and the holidays are dreadful but I can stay home with Herself so it's good!), if something has gone awry it's hard to deal with, my main concern is happy customers (must make people like me!) so I work hard to keep it that way, it can be a bit draining though! Public face is easier via text though! I'll be the first to admit I'm not really cut out for the world of big business, I'm not nearly cut throat enough, and even in the lovely fluffy world I inhabit other businesses and their can be tough to deal with, it's something that plays on my mind a lot and has be be dealt with in my mind.
I like to have my day sorted into morning and afternoon, so we've got the day planned and we keep busy, sometimes it's only cleaning but I like to make sure I've planned which room I'll clean! Changing plans at the last minute is challenging as I like to be prepared. So, if we were going out somewhere, I would have to plan meals, how to get there (including checking on street view so I don't get lost), and what time do we need to set off, where to park, how much is entry (if there is one), am I meeting people and what time, what is there to do, how long will we be there, will we need anything with us? Unless it's somewhere I've been before I do this for every place, if I've been before I will still do a lot of it. It seems obsessive but it helps me feel calmer to feel prepared.
The journey itself can be a large source of anxiety too, will the car break (it's happened three times now that's it's broken down while I was driving and it was extremely stressful, there is one journey I actively avoid as it reminds me of a breakdown), will we crash (I worry constantly about this, to the point of imaging a car coming towards me ploughing into us). I work hard to combat these fears as a nervous driver is not a safe driver. I attempt to drive with my “public face” so with a confidence I don't feel and shut the worries up in a box until I don't need my brain!
No wonder getting out is beginning to feel too challenging, with all the worries that need my attention my “public face” is getting harder to maintain, but I worry that if I let it slip for a moment the backlash will be too much to bear. I push myself because I have to, I am somebody's mother and that ranks higher than anything so while I still can I will go out and control as much as I can, I didn't have to do it for Herself I no doubt would not venture from my house.
Breakfast usually goes smoothly, Herself (the four year old) watches cbeebies, eats her breakfast and generally witters away to herself about nothing in particular, we usually have long discussions about why she can't have chocolate for breakfast but that's pretty normal! I will generally answer emails etc for my business (self-employment, it pays nothing and the holidays are dreadful but I can stay home with Herself so it's good!), if something has gone awry it's hard to deal with, my main concern is happy customers (must make people like me!) so I work hard to keep it that way, it can be a bit draining though! Public face is easier via text though! I'll be the first to admit I'm not really cut out for the world of big business, I'm not nearly cut throat enough, and even in the lovely fluffy world I inhabit other businesses and their can be tough to deal with, it's something that plays on my mind a lot and has be be dealt with in my mind.
I like to have my day sorted into morning and afternoon, so we've got the day planned and we keep busy, sometimes it's only cleaning but I like to make sure I've planned which room I'll clean! Changing plans at the last minute is challenging as I like to be prepared. So, if we were going out somewhere, I would have to plan meals, how to get there (including checking on street view so I don't get lost), and what time do we need to set off, where to park, how much is entry (if there is one), am I meeting people and what time, what is there to do, how long will we be there, will we need anything with us? Unless it's somewhere I've been before I do this for every place, if I've been before I will still do a lot of it. It seems obsessive but it helps me feel calmer to feel prepared.
The journey itself can be a large source of anxiety too, will the car break (it's happened three times now that's it's broken down while I was driving and it was extremely stressful, there is one journey I actively avoid as it reminds me of a breakdown), will we crash (I worry constantly about this, to the point of imaging a car coming towards me ploughing into us). I work hard to combat these fears as a nervous driver is not a safe driver. I attempt to drive with my “public face” so with a confidence I don't feel and shut the worries up in a box until I don't need my brain!
No wonder getting out is beginning to feel too challenging, with all the worries that need my attention my “public face” is getting harder to maintain, but I worry that if I let it slip for a moment the backlash will be too much to bear. I push myself because I have to, I am somebody's mother and that ranks higher than anything so while I still can I will go out and control as much as I can, I didn't have to do it for Herself I no doubt would not venture from my house.
Lunchtime is interesting. After being very ill I've developed a massive fear of food (not a disaster when you're very overweight but not brilliant for the anxiety!), I only stick to foods I feel “safe” eating which is restrictive but surprisingly healthy. I worry that my diet is not balanced enough though and I'm damaging my health so I am constantly and consistently trying to work on getting all the nutrients I need. I'm gradually trying to widen my list of safe foods, but it causes such anxiety to even try a different brand of frozen peas that it's slow going. Add in the standard four year old discussions on food and mealtimes are not a walk in the park, I used to be a real comfort eater so I feel marooned without my comfort blanket.
Herself doesn't go to nursery so I have worries that I'm not providing a stimulating enough environment for her. She didn't go to nursery due to rather difficult separation anxiety, she is due to start school in September, guess what I've begun worrying about in earnest? I am trying to allay my fears with proper action plans, finding places to go and things to do so Herself is educated and entertained but it's pretty draining!
At 6pm (ish) Himself (poor, long suffering, understand Himself) comes home and I get to clock out for a bit, I attempt to spend some time logging off my brain, so a shower or a bath or a walk. I like to walk as there's nothing but me and the road (what is that a quote from?), I put on loud music in my ears (and worry about damaging my hearing... it's not that loud really), and just walk, the endorphins boost my mood and the music makes my brain spin slightly slower!
I try to get everyone's tea ready when I make Herself's so evenings are more work (and more worries about not doing that well enough) and then bed. To lie awake worrying about the next day! And worrying about whether I'll be ill in the night. And worrying about whether Herself will be ill. And worrying about if I'll get enough sleep to function. And worrying about anything that went wrong in the day. Or went right (did it really go right?). And, and, and...
Sometimes someone needs me so the worries have to away, I ram then in a box in my brain and focus on that person, but when that's over the box pops open and I'm back to it.
It never goes, it never slows done, it's a constant background noise of “what if?” and it's exhausting. The constant panic; the regular surge of adrenaline; the ever present abject fear of the world and everyone in it; the feeling of never quite living up to anyone's expectations, especially my own... it's a dark place but one I will leave. The folks at dwd have welcomed me back to the fold with open arms, care and understanding, I've been cosseted and praised for the work I've done so far. I've been to see my GP and have an urgent referral to counselling so slowly gradually I'll find my way through this. I have to, because this just can't carry on like this.
Herself doesn't go to nursery so I have worries that I'm not providing a stimulating enough environment for her. She didn't go to nursery due to rather difficult separation anxiety, she is due to start school in September, guess what I've begun worrying about in earnest? I am trying to allay my fears with proper action plans, finding places to go and things to do so Herself is educated and entertained but it's pretty draining!
At 6pm (ish) Himself (poor, long suffering, understand Himself) comes home and I get to clock out for a bit, I attempt to spend some time logging off my brain, so a shower or a bath or a walk. I like to walk as there's nothing but me and the road (what is that a quote from?), I put on loud music in my ears (and worry about damaging my hearing... it's not that loud really), and just walk, the endorphins boost my mood and the music makes my brain spin slightly slower!
I try to get everyone's tea ready when I make Herself's so evenings are more work (and more worries about not doing that well enough) and then bed. To lie awake worrying about the next day! And worrying about whether I'll be ill in the night. And worrying about whether Herself will be ill. And worrying about if I'll get enough sleep to function. And worrying about anything that went wrong in the day. Or went right (did it really go right?). And, and, and...
Sometimes someone needs me so the worries have to away, I ram then in a box in my brain and focus on that person, but when that's over the box pops open and I'm back to it.
It never goes, it never slows done, it's a constant background noise of “what if?” and it's exhausting. The constant panic; the regular surge of adrenaline; the ever present abject fear of the world and everyone in it; the feeling of never quite living up to anyone's expectations, especially my own... it's a dark place but one I will leave. The folks at dwd have welcomed me back to the fold with open arms, care and understanding, I've been cosseted and praised for the work I've done so far. I've been to see my GP and have an urgent referral to counselling so slowly gradually I'll find my way through this. I have to, because this just can't carry on like this.
