It's been a weird day in DealingWithDepression head office (read as On My Sofa, in My Front Room) with several people saying some rather lovely things about me. Thing is, I'm not diagnosed with depression, but I just can't see it as others are telling me things are. I don't think I'm anything special. I just listen to people, talk to people and post silly pictures on our FACEBOOK PAGE.
Over the course of the week I've been called brave, inspirational, and then today by someone I would consider a really brave person - legendary. All I've ever done or wanted to do since I started on DealingWithDepression is to stop anyone else feeling how I felt during the time when my (now) husband was so poorly and to stop the feeling of isolation and complete fear and terror. It seems, from the comments which people have been making that DWD is helping people, it's helping to help people to talk about their mental health conditions, it's helping to provide an outlet for how people are feeling, it's providing safe peer to peer support, it's providing the most amazing and supportive community that I've ever felt part of. It's doing everything I ever wanted and more besides. I can't tell you how amazingly proud I am of what I do on DealingWithDepression along with the support and help of my lovely teams both on the forum and on the FB page. Without them I just couldn't handle it all!
It totally blows my mind to know that there are over 12,600 people who are following our ramblings on the FaceBook page. I find it amazing to know that so many people all over the world read what I and the team post. It just doesn't seem possible from my squishy sofa in the UK!
As someone who has lived with a loved one with depression, how do I see depression?
Depression is a bitch. It's always there, waiting to jump out and bite you on the bum when you are least expecting it, so you expect it every day. You expect it every minute, waiting for it to come and steal your loved one from you, to take them to somewhere that you just cannot reach, no matter how hard you try. You wait for one more letter to be what pushes that loved one too far, just watching and waiting for their mood to crash and to recede back into their own world again.
You wait trying all the things you've tried before - starting simply. Making sure that the person is eating, so you make them food and hope they eat it, the same with drinking, the same with trying to get them to go out, to do something different, to try distraction. Sometimes it'll work, sometimes it won't. But it wont stop you trying...
Sunday, 20 October 2013
Tuesday, 23 April 2013
Guest Blog Post by Emmie: Retired Mod on DealingWithDepression.
As with all guest blog posts I am thankful for those people sharing what can be some of their inner most thoughts and feelings. For this one it's a little different. I have known Emmie for a long number of years and she has been a mod on www.dealingwithdepression.co.uk for a while, got married, had the very beautiful Herself and started her own business. But it's more than that, I know how much it has taken her to write this, to open up to "everyone" in this way. It's a beautiful blog post, but one which made me cry as it is just so honest and has opened my eyes to the world of serious anxiety as it's something that my husband has too...
Over to Emmie with my total admiration and respect........
Some days you just wake up
And you don't have any real sense of direction
You just can't find the will
To get up and go through with it all
Your next allotted twenty-four hour slice of destiny
There's just a bad vibe
And rather than a world of opportunities
It's full of threats and just too many negative variables
- The Perception of Johnny Punter – Fish
That song lyric has always resonated with me, but no more so than at the moment, I've been dealing with severe anxiety (I may start a rival website to Dealing With Depression!) and currently the world is a terrifying place. I've considered marking off all my worries on my arm like in Dr Who when they see The Silence, but I would end up looking like this:
Over to Emmie with my total admiration and respect........
Some days you just wake up
And you don't have any real sense of direction
You just can't find the will
To get up and go through with it all
Your next allotted twenty-four hour slice of destiny
There's just a bad vibe
And rather than a world of opportunities
It's full of threats and just too many negative variables
- The Perception of Johnny Punter – Fish
That song lyric has always resonated with me, but no more so than at the moment, I've been dealing with severe anxiety (I may start a rival website to Dealing With Depression!) and currently the world is a terrifying place. I've considered marking off all my worries on my arm like in Dr Who when they see The Silence, but I would end up looking like this:
The first thing I think when I wake up is thank goodness, I wasn't ill in the night (emetophobia, a phobia of being sick). Then, if I already have the day planned out for me and my four year old I just worry about what time I have to get up. If the day isn't planned I'm off to a bad start I'll worry about what we'll do all day, how I'll keep the four year old entertained, how I'll cope and all before I've even properly woken up! I put on my “public face” (you know, the one where people don't realise there anything wrong, important for my very sensitive little girl)
Breakfast usually goes smoothly, Herself (the four year old) watches cbeebies, eats her breakfast and generally witters away to herself about nothing in particular, we usually have long discussions about why she can't have chocolate for breakfast but that's pretty normal! I will generally answer emails etc for my business (self-employment, it pays nothing and the holidays are dreadful but I can stay home with Herself so it's good!), if something has gone awry it's hard to deal with, my main concern is happy customers (must make people like me!) so I work hard to keep it that way, it can be a bit draining though! Public face is easier via text though! I'll be the first to admit I'm not really cut out for the world of big business, I'm not nearly cut throat enough, and even in the lovely fluffy world I inhabit other businesses and their can be tough to deal with, it's something that plays on my mind a lot and has be be dealt with in my mind.
I like to have my day sorted into morning and afternoon, so we've got the day planned and we keep busy, sometimes it's only cleaning but I like to make sure I've planned which room I'll clean! Changing plans at the last minute is challenging as I like to be prepared. So, if we were going out somewhere, I would have to plan meals, how to get there (including checking on street view so I don't get lost), and what time do we need to set off, where to park, how much is entry (if there is one), am I meeting people and what time, what is there to do, how long will we be there, will we need anything with us? Unless it's somewhere I've been before I do this for every place, if I've been before I will still do a lot of it. It seems obsessive but it helps me feel calmer to feel prepared.
The journey itself can be a large source of anxiety too, will the car break (it's happened three times now that's it's broken down while I was driving and it was extremely stressful, there is one journey I actively avoid as it reminds me of a breakdown), will we crash (I worry constantly about this, to the point of imaging a car coming towards me ploughing into us). I work hard to combat these fears as a nervous driver is not a safe driver. I attempt to drive with my “public face” so with a confidence I don't feel and shut the worries up in a box until I don't need my brain!
No wonder getting out is beginning to feel too challenging, with all the worries that need my attention my “public face” is getting harder to maintain, but I worry that if I let it slip for a moment the backlash will be too much to bear. I push myself because I have to, I am somebody's mother and that ranks higher than anything so while I still can I will go out and control as much as I can, I didn't have to do it for Herself I no doubt would not venture from my house.
Breakfast usually goes smoothly, Herself (the four year old) watches cbeebies, eats her breakfast and generally witters away to herself about nothing in particular, we usually have long discussions about why she can't have chocolate for breakfast but that's pretty normal! I will generally answer emails etc for my business (self-employment, it pays nothing and the holidays are dreadful but I can stay home with Herself so it's good!), if something has gone awry it's hard to deal with, my main concern is happy customers (must make people like me!) so I work hard to keep it that way, it can be a bit draining though! Public face is easier via text though! I'll be the first to admit I'm not really cut out for the world of big business, I'm not nearly cut throat enough, and even in the lovely fluffy world I inhabit other businesses and their can be tough to deal with, it's something that plays on my mind a lot and has be be dealt with in my mind.
I like to have my day sorted into morning and afternoon, so we've got the day planned and we keep busy, sometimes it's only cleaning but I like to make sure I've planned which room I'll clean! Changing plans at the last minute is challenging as I like to be prepared. So, if we were going out somewhere, I would have to plan meals, how to get there (including checking on street view so I don't get lost), and what time do we need to set off, where to park, how much is entry (if there is one), am I meeting people and what time, what is there to do, how long will we be there, will we need anything with us? Unless it's somewhere I've been before I do this for every place, if I've been before I will still do a lot of it. It seems obsessive but it helps me feel calmer to feel prepared.
The journey itself can be a large source of anxiety too, will the car break (it's happened three times now that's it's broken down while I was driving and it was extremely stressful, there is one journey I actively avoid as it reminds me of a breakdown), will we crash (I worry constantly about this, to the point of imaging a car coming towards me ploughing into us). I work hard to combat these fears as a nervous driver is not a safe driver. I attempt to drive with my “public face” so with a confidence I don't feel and shut the worries up in a box until I don't need my brain!
No wonder getting out is beginning to feel too challenging, with all the worries that need my attention my “public face” is getting harder to maintain, but I worry that if I let it slip for a moment the backlash will be too much to bear. I push myself because I have to, I am somebody's mother and that ranks higher than anything so while I still can I will go out and control as much as I can, I didn't have to do it for Herself I no doubt would not venture from my house.
Lunchtime is interesting. After being very ill I've developed a massive fear of food (not a disaster when you're very overweight but not brilliant for the anxiety!), I only stick to foods I feel “safe” eating which is restrictive but surprisingly healthy. I worry that my diet is not balanced enough though and I'm damaging my health so I am constantly and consistently trying to work on getting all the nutrients I need. I'm gradually trying to widen my list of safe foods, but it causes such anxiety to even try a different brand of frozen peas that it's slow going. Add in the standard four year old discussions on food and mealtimes are not a walk in the park, I used to be a real comfort eater so I feel marooned without my comfort blanket.
Herself doesn't go to nursery so I have worries that I'm not providing a stimulating enough environment for her. She didn't go to nursery due to rather difficult separation anxiety, she is due to start school in September, guess what I've begun worrying about in earnest? I am trying to allay my fears with proper action plans, finding places to go and things to do so Herself is educated and entertained but it's pretty draining!
At 6pm (ish) Himself (poor, long suffering, understand Himself) comes home and I get to clock out for a bit, I attempt to spend some time logging off my brain, so a shower or a bath or a walk. I like to walk as there's nothing but me and the road (what is that a quote from?), I put on loud music in my ears (and worry about damaging my hearing... it's not that loud really), and just walk, the endorphins boost my mood and the music makes my brain spin slightly slower!
I try to get everyone's tea ready when I make Herself's so evenings are more work (and more worries about not doing that well enough) and then bed. To lie awake worrying about the next day! And worrying about whether I'll be ill in the night. And worrying about whether Herself will be ill. And worrying about if I'll get enough sleep to function. And worrying about anything that went wrong in the day. Or went right (did it really go right?). And, and, and...
Sometimes someone needs me so the worries have to away, I ram then in a box in my brain and focus on that person, but when that's over the box pops open and I'm back to it.
It never goes, it never slows done, it's a constant background noise of “what if?” and it's exhausting. The constant panic; the regular surge of adrenaline; the ever present abject fear of the world and everyone in it; the feeling of never quite living up to anyone's expectations, especially my own... it's a dark place but one I will leave. The folks at dwd have welcomed me back to the fold with open arms, care and understanding, I've been cosseted and praised for the work I've done so far. I've been to see my GP and have an urgent referral to counselling so slowly gradually I'll find my way through this. I have to, because this just can't carry on like this.
Herself doesn't go to nursery so I have worries that I'm not providing a stimulating enough environment for her. She didn't go to nursery due to rather difficult separation anxiety, she is due to start school in September, guess what I've begun worrying about in earnest? I am trying to allay my fears with proper action plans, finding places to go and things to do so Herself is educated and entertained but it's pretty draining!
At 6pm (ish) Himself (poor, long suffering, understand Himself) comes home and I get to clock out for a bit, I attempt to spend some time logging off my brain, so a shower or a bath or a walk. I like to walk as there's nothing but me and the road (what is that a quote from?), I put on loud music in my ears (and worry about damaging my hearing... it's not that loud really), and just walk, the endorphins boost my mood and the music makes my brain spin slightly slower!
I try to get everyone's tea ready when I make Herself's so evenings are more work (and more worries about not doing that well enough) and then bed. To lie awake worrying about the next day! And worrying about whether I'll be ill in the night. And worrying about whether Herself will be ill. And worrying about if I'll get enough sleep to function. And worrying about anything that went wrong in the day. Or went right (did it really go right?). And, and, and...
Sometimes someone needs me so the worries have to away, I ram then in a box in my brain and focus on that person, but when that's over the box pops open and I'm back to it.
It never goes, it never slows done, it's a constant background noise of “what if?” and it's exhausting. The constant panic; the regular surge of adrenaline; the ever present abject fear of the world and everyone in it; the feeling of never quite living up to anyone's expectations, especially my own... it's a dark place but one I will leave. The folks at dwd have welcomed me back to the fold with open arms, care and understanding, I've been cosseted and praised for the work I've done so far. I've been to see my GP and have an urgent referral to counselling so slowly gradually I'll find my way through this. I have to, because this just can't carry on like this.
Monday, 15 October 2012
Guest Blog: Cindy: A week of Facebook posts raising awareness of mental health illness and breaking the stigma
One of our regular likers from the FACEBOOK PAGE has sent us a message with copies of her posts raising the issue and awareness for mental health illness and to help break the stigma! She is such a champion for mental health issues. Thank you Cindy!
The views posted below are those of Cindy and are copied exactly as they were sent to me.. I know that not everyone will have the same thoughts and the same faith as Cindy, but these are things which she has found to help her. I am so glad that she sent us this so that we could share it with you all.
Suzi
I
have always been a very musical person, and music has a powerful effect on me.
I know it's not the same for everyone, but I think most people enjoy music to a
certain extent. I use different types of music to get me through different
struggles.
The views posted below are those of Cindy and are copied exactly as they were sent to me.. I know that not everyone will have the same thoughts and the same faith as Cindy, but these are things which she has found to help her. I am so glad that she sent us this so that we could share it with you all.
Suzi
Monday
This
week is Mental Health Awareness Week. Many of you know, but for those who
don't, I have Major Depressive Disorder or Clinical Depression. I see a
psychiatrist and a therapist and take medication. I'm not announcing this to
get sympathy, but to let you know that it's real, it's ok to talk about it, and
there is help and hope. If any of you or anyone you know is struggling with
depression, I'm more than willing to talk or listen or share my experiences.
Tuesday
In
honor of Mental Health Awareness week I'll be posting what I hope is helpful
information at least once a day. I had suffered from Depression for a very long
time before I was diagnosed. It was because I simply didn't know what the
symptoms were. So, for your information, here they are: According to the
National Institute of Mental Health and the Mayo Clinic, symptoms of depression
may include the following:
- Crying spells for no apparent
reason
- Indecisiveness, distractibility
and decreased concentration
- Fatigue and decreased energy (even
small tasks may seem to require a lot of effort)
- Feelings of guilt,
worthlessness, and/or helplessness (fixating on past failures or blaming
yourself when things aren't going right)
- Feelings of hopelessness and/or
pessimism
- Insomnia, early-morning
wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
- Irritability, restlessness
(pacing, hand-wringing, inability to sit still)
- Loss of interest in activities
or hobbies once pleasurable
- Overeating or appetite loss
- Persistent aches or pains,
headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment
- Persistent sad, anxious, or
"empty" feelings (feeling numb)
- Frequent thoughts of death,
dying, or suicide
Wednesday
Cindy's
Mental Health/Depression advise for the day:Talk
about it.
Sometimes
that may seem like the hardest thing to do, but I promise, it helps. It might
take you a little while to find someone who is willing to listen without being
judgmental, but they are out there. Besides friends and family, try church
leaders or fellow members, a school counselor, or look for a support group.
NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) is a great organization and has
support groups all over the country.
Thursday
Cindy's
Mental Health/Depression advise for the day: Find music that you enjoy and listen to it often.
-
When I need to accomplish something around the house I listen to something
upbeat that I can sing along to, usually County.
-
When I'm paying bills, which stresses me out like crazy, I listen to classical
cello music.
-
When I can't sleep because my mind is in overdrive I listen to composers like
Claude Debussy and Erik Satie. Some more contemporary composers (whose music is
often found in movie scores) are John Barry and Phillip Glass. There pieces
have simple melodies, slower tempos, and I am able to just let my mind relax
and get lost in the music. I try to concentrate on the images it brings to mind
and the feelings it stirs up. I listen to my "bedtime" playlist
almost every night and it has been a great help. I also use it when I am just
feeling overly emotional and need to calm down.
On
the flip side, if you are the one doing the listening, remember that simply
listening is more than likely what they need most. Unless they specifically ask
for it, try not to offer solutions, ways to "fix" things, etc.
Friday
Cindy's
Mental Health/Depression advise for the day: Give yourself credit for something good you've done every day.
Our
own self-talk can be nothing but negative sometimes and we need to make a
conscious effort to find the good. So give yourself a pat on the back if you
got out of bed and got dressed today, or if you walked down the lane to the
mailbox and back, of if you actually cooked supper for your family (that's a
big one for me ;) Life is not all sadness and hopelessness, even when we feel
like it is (because the imbalanced chemicals in our brains are telling us it
is). We have the power to fight back, to talk back to our inner voices and say,
"I am not a complete loser and failure because I loaded the dishwasher
today, so THERE!" :)
Saturday
Cindy's
Mental Health/Depression advise for the day: Laugh!
Easier
said than done when you're depressed, but it is possible.Look up funny videos
on-line, watch old SNL skits (Patrick Swayze and Chris Farley as Chippendale
dancers never fails me ;) or pull out a favorite old comedy. A few of mine are
What about Bob, Napoleon Dynamite, and The Princess Bride. Today I watched an
episode of the new show Ben and Kate and was laughing out loud by the end.
Great medicine!
This
piece of advice is actually a two-fer. The second part is: allow yourself the
time to do something just for you. When I'm depressed and I'm not getting
things accomplished like I should be, I feel guilty doing anything myself, but
it's important to not neglect yourself because if you do it will just worsen,
or at least not improve the depression.
Sunday
This
is the last day of Mental Health Awareness week, so this is my last, and
perhaps most important, piece of advise: Have faith!
This
may not apply to everyone, but I am a Christian, and having faith in a loving
God is what makes the hardest times bearable. The many years I suffered from
Depression but had yet to be diagnosed, I thought the reason I wasn't feeling
the Holy Spirit in my life was because I just wasn't a good enough person.
Turns out, Depression dulls your ability to feel much of anything at all. I
often felt completely numb. I read a book that said that when you are deeply
depressed, you have to really look for God's hand in your life because you're
simply not going to feel it as much as you'd like. I have done that and it has
made me so aware of all the many ways God blesses me. I may not feel it, but I
can see and know it in my mind. He has blessed me with an amazing husband who
is loving, patient, and supportive. He
blesses my by sending His Holy Spirit to others who then feel inspired to
contact me and lend their support and understanding. This has happened over and
over again these past few weeks and it always amazes me.He has blessed me with
amazing friends who are willing to listen without judgment and offer up prayers
for me. It comes down to this:
God
is my Father in Heaven. He loves me more that my frail, mortal mind can
comprehend. He knows me personally and is mindful of exactly what I struggle
with; my pain, my fear, my worries, my inadequacies, my guilt; He knows it all.
No matter how deeply depressed I may get; I know that He will NEVER forsake me.
He will never leave me to face my trials alone. God loves each and every one of
us like this, so I say, have faith.
Wednesday, 10 October 2012
World Mental Health Day 10th October 2012
I can't actually believe it's been a whole year since I wrote one of these blog posts. They are probably my favourite ones to write as I like to celebrate on all the positives and amazing things which people who have diagnosed mental health conditions do.
So, why have a World Mental Health Day? Well this is what WHO (World Health Organisation) have to say about it...
World Mental Health Day raises public awareness about mental health issues. The day promotes open discussion of mental disorders, and investments in prevention, promotion and treatment services. This year the theme for the day is “Depression: A Global Crisis”.
Depression affects more than 350 million people of all ages, in all communities, and is a significant contributor to the global burden of disease. Although there are known effective treatments for depression, access to treatment is a problem in most countries and in some countries fewer than 10% of those who need it receive such treatment.
Taken from http://www.who.int/mediacentre/events/annual/world_mental_health_day/en/index.html
With our Facebook page having over 9600 likes now and our forum getting busier and busier we have seen just how global the struggles of those with mental health illness - in particular depression - really is. It's something that doesn't discriminate against colour, gender, sexuality, religious belief, age or anything else which can separate people. Sadly it is on the increase and the statistics now show that 1 in 3 people will at some point in their lifetime experience some form of mental health illness. Yet there is still such a stigma against mental health that it really doesn't make sense to me at all.
So many people hear the words "Mental Health Illness" and seem to write off those who have them or see "the label" rather than the person. On DealingWithDepression (both the forum and the Facebook Page ) we try really hard to see past the illness, past the sadness, past the feelings of emptiness and focus on the things that we CAN do!
This year I've asked for people to send me pictures, poems, extracts of writing etc for anything that they can do. The response has been amazing! I just hope I do everyone justice! You really are some amazingly talented people! I have been sent so many images, poems and songs that I just can't include them all even though I would love to, so I shall be trying to add more over the coming weeks to continue the celebration of talents and creativity which has been demonstrated through our members.
Some of our members have posted some of their talents on a thread on the facebook page, this is a list of some of them..
- Shane from Australia: "I make fishing rods, do glass etching, and calligraphy. Helps keep the black birds at bay"
- Marybeth from USA: "Right now I'm in school to become a medical lab tech. Hopefully one day I can work for the national institute for mental health so I can help them in any way. "
- Kathie from USA: "Been a writer of poetry for 27 + years!"
- Lisa: "I gave birth to twins at 38. Thats creative art in itself lol."
- G. Smith with his demo Naked Feet:
- Giles Toller with Oxytocin Heart:
Crafters:
 |
| Knitting by JJ |
 | ||
| Sewers and soap makers such as Helen http://www.facebook.com/HarrietRoseSews |
 |
| Helen can be found on Facebook: www.facebook.com/HarrietRoseSoaps |
We have photographers who can be found here:
Coral who is a full time Mum and lives in Derbyshire: http://www.facebook.com/CBPhotography.UK
This is far from extensive compilation of the talents of our members, just a few. Don't ever sell yourself short because you are diagnosed with depression or another mental health illness. You are just as important, special and talented as anyone else. Do not let their ignorance diminish your creativity and your abilities.
Do something to celebrate World Mental Health Day today. Blog about it, post or tweet about it on Facebook or twitter, or a forum somewhere. Help break that stigma. No matter where you live, no matter what you like/don't like, no matter what your age or any other factor in your life, don't let depression or mental health illness be what defines you, just something that you live and deal with. You CAN beat it. You CAN get better, you CAN work through it. Never feel you have less worth or that you are a failure (something we hear really often on the forum and page) because you have a mental health illness. You are NOT a failure! Talk about how you are feeling, break the stigma!
Sunday, 7 October 2012
Guest Blog - The Power of Talking - Lisa from Victoria in Australia
I had this sent through to me, and it really touched me. I thank you Lisa for sharing your story of pain and yet you are still full of hope. What Lisa has to say and her message about the importance of talking is SO important. Whether you talk here, on Facebook, on our forum, or however else you feel comfortable, just do it. Make that decision today to talk to someone about how you really are feeling.
Thank you Lisa,
Suzi
Lisa's Story:
I never wanted to talk. I never thought it could help me. Turns out, I've just never given anyone the chance to listen.
I'll be honest, I'm still not great at voicing my thoughts, but after one scare, and a break down to my mother, it was all over red rover. I'd run out of options.
See, I always had a lack of self confidence, that with the sneaking grit of all mental illness, it quietly morphed into a depression/anxiety over my high school years.
Not really ready to face the world alone (and penniless) I opted for a gap year, hating practically every moment I had to smile and converse with a customer, or ask a colleague for help. How was it to know this would become a serious problem, that it wasn't me just it being a 'people person'?
In a sense this probably made the carpet slip from underneath me more than it would've ordinarily, had I not grown to (aside from my great family, and a small group of friends who were slipping further away by the month) completely despise my home town, for its people and also severe lack of ocean water, my happy place.
But alas I had taken on an interstate move to search for my dream ( I thought it was my dream, but then I wasn't sure, what if I wasn't good enough, what if I never got a job?
Frustration built with every not up to scratch mark, and mindset crept down and down with every time I was more than not up to scratch, or when I knew I was falling behind my classmates. No matter how many times you tell yourself not to compare yourself to others, there no helping but to think you should be better.
Not asking for help has always been a typical characteristic of mine, but the more trouble I have, the less confidence I have to ask. Then I dug myself too far into a hole far too big to escape from. And that's when it happened. Self harm in itself is often far more severe then what I attempted. But the principle is the same. we need help. it is all finally too much. I got scared, really, really scared.
It was a good time to realise that I could tell someone, that a I had a friend I could trust to understand, and look after me. Besides my parents, I'd never had that before. I'd have never realised how much my struggle was actually making my studies hard, and vice-versa. The big step had been taken and I applied, and was granted special consideration. I had counselling, sought to have medication reviewed and registered as a disability student. Within days it seemed like a support network had sprung up from the ground, something that I'd never previously been able to see.
I learnt something new.
People. Care.
There is still a massive uphill journey ahead. I am terrified of it. But at least I'm on that journey.
Thank you Lisa,
Suzi
Lisa's Story:
I never wanted to talk. I never thought it could help me. Turns out, I've just never given anyone the chance to listen.
I'll be honest, I'm still not great at voicing my thoughts, but after one scare, and a break down to my mother, it was all over red rover. I'd run out of options.
See, I always had a lack of self confidence, that with the sneaking grit of all mental illness, it quietly morphed into a depression/anxiety over my high school years.
Not really ready to face the world alone (and penniless) I opted for a gap year, hating practically every moment I had to smile and converse with a customer, or ask a colleague for help. How was it to know this would become a serious problem, that it wasn't me just it being a 'people person'?
In a sense this probably made the carpet slip from underneath me more than it would've ordinarily, had I not grown to (aside from my great family, and a small group of friends who were slipping further away by the month) completely despise my home town, for its people and also severe lack of ocean water, my happy place.
But alas I had taken on an interstate move to search for my dream ( I thought it was my dream, but then I wasn't sure, what if I wasn't good enough, what if I never got a job?
Frustration built with every not up to scratch mark, and mindset crept down and down with every time I was more than not up to scratch, or when I knew I was falling behind my classmates. No matter how many times you tell yourself not to compare yourself to others, there no helping but to think you should be better.
Not asking for help has always been a typical characteristic of mine, but the more trouble I have, the less confidence I have to ask. Then I dug myself too far into a hole far too big to escape from. And that's when it happened. Self harm in itself is often far more severe then what I attempted. But the principle is the same. we need help. it is all finally too much. I got scared, really, really scared.
It was a good time to realise that I could tell someone, that a I had a friend I could trust to understand, and look after me. Besides my parents, I'd never had that before. I'd have never realised how much my struggle was actually making my studies hard, and vice-versa. The big step had been taken and I applied, and was granted special consideration. I had counselling, sought to have medication reviewed and registered as a disability student. Within days it seemed like a support network had sprung up from the ground, something that I'd never previously been able to see.
I learnt something new.
People. Care.
There is still a massive uphill journey ahead. I am terrified of it. But at least I'm on that journey.
Wednesday, 26 September 2012
Our first "Guest Blogger" - Leah from Linconshire UK
I was thrilled, humbled and rather amazed when I read through my huge stack of (mostly spam it must be said, no I'm not that popular!) emails when I came accross one from someone called Leah. She had been passed the link to our facebook page and in particular the post where I asked for Guest Bloggers.
I was so touched and amazed when I read what she had written... At this point I'm going to let Leah take over this post with my gratitude for being our first guest blogger...
You can follow Leah's personal, open, honest and moving blog HERE
If you want to contribute as a guest blogger, please CONTACT ME
Suzi
Learning to cross the road...
When I was 14 or 15 (I never can remember exactly, even after all these years of fixating on it), I died. That is, the life I had had before that age ceased to be, and I was re-born as someone I didn't recognise, and didn't welcome. The child I used to be - the clever, precocious child who performed in amateur dramatics, loved to dress up and dreamed of doing anything as an adult which would break the mould - became first a frightened adolescent who, believing she was losing her mind, reined herself in for 'temporary' protection, and then a clever, serious adult who had become afraid to cross the road in case she couldn't get back.
You must understand: the change in me - though gradual - was so dramatic, so overwhelming that I have mourned that precocious, brave, stubborn little girl for fifteen years. What I didn't appreciate, in that sad, lonely fifteen years, was that the ones that we lose never leave us entirely. They make us who we are, physically and mentally, and so even though the little girl I used to be had gone, she had left in me the most strident parts of herself. Her stubborness. Her tenacity. Her bravery. Her unquenchable need to know 'how?' and 'why?' Unbeknown to me, in the midst of my grief for the life I had lost and the life I could have had, I had had the tools I needed to live all along. Not the tools I needed to live her life, but the tools to live my life. My way.
This all sounds like I had some sort of lightbulb moment, or celestial epiphany. But of course, I didn't. This 'knowledge', if you can call it that, has dawned on me only recently, and only since I began to be accepting or who I am rather than grieving for who I was. In the intervening fifteen years between being diagnosed with anxiety, agoraphobia and panic I still needed all those character traits that my younger self had left me. I completed GCSEs, A-Levels, an Undergraduate and then a Masters degree. I got married, left home, and worked full-time. I existed in a 'normal' way. It took all the energy, resources and sheer bloody-minded determination I had. And bravery. It took bravery too. Make no mistake: living alongside something as utterly terrifying as a fear of your own mind is not something a weak or feeble-minded person could do.
There was one thing I needed which that little girl didn't leave me though. She was perhaps too young and too keen re-invent the world to understand it at the time, but even a half-life teaches you some lessons: bad things do happen to good people (but they also happen to bad people, too), the thing you're looking for will always be in the last place you look, and if you want to be accepted, you must first accept yourself.
You see, I spent so long mourning for the loss of what I used to be that I neglected to be grateful for what I am: a survivor, and an achiever (who just happens to have a mental illness). This latter fact isn't the bad apple in the barrel that you might imagine. It's just a different apple; a part of me, no more or less significant than if I had Asthma, or Diabetes. It wasn't until I accepted this that I developed the confidence to start on the road to recovery. I still haven't learned to cross that road yet, but for the first time in fifteen years I'm standing at the crossing with hope.
Leah
Lincolnshire, UK.
I was so touched and amazed when I read what she had written... At this point I'm going to let Leah take over this post with my gratitude for being our first guest blogger...
You can follow Leah's personal, open, honest and moving blog HERE
If you want to contribute as a guest blogger, please CONTACT ME
Suzi
Learning to cross the road...
When I was 14 or 15 (I never can remember exactly, even after all these years of fixating on it), I died. That is, the life I had had before that age ceased to be, and I was re-born as someone I didn't recognise, and didn't welcome. The child I used to be - the clever, precocious child who performed in amateur dramatics, loved to dress up and dreamed of doing anything as an adult which would break the mould - became first a frightened adolescent who, believing she was losing her mind, reined herself in for 'temporary' protection, and then a clever, serious adult who had become afraid to cross the road in case she couldn't get back.
You must understand: the change in me - though gradual - was so dramatic, so overwhelming that I have mourned that precocious, brave, stubborn little girl for fifteen years. What I didn't appreciate, in that sad, lonely fifteen years, was that the ones that we lose never leave us entirely. They make us who we are, physically and mentally, and so even though the little girl I used to be had gone, she had left in me the most strident parts of herself. Her stubborness. Her tenacity. Her bravery. Her unquenchable need to know 'how?' and 'why?' Unbeknown to me, in the midst of my grief for the life I had lost and the life I could have had, I had had the tools I needed to live all along. Not the tools I needed to live her life, but the tools to live my life. My way.
This all sounds like I had some sort of lightbulb moment, or celestial epiphany. But of course, I didn't. This 'knowledge', if you can call it that, has dawned on me only recently, and only since I began to be accepting or who I am rather than grieving for who I was. In the intervening fifteen years between being diagnosed with anxiety, agoraphobia and panic I still needed all those character traits that my younger self had left me. I completed GCSEs, A-Levels, an Undergraduate and then a Masters degree. I got married, left home, and worked full-time. I existed in a 'normal' way. It took all the energy, resources and sheer bloody-minded determination I had. And bravery. It took bravery too. Make no mistake: living alongside something as utterly terrifying as a fear of your own mind is not something a weak or feeble-minded person could do.
There was one thing I needed which that little girl didn't leave me though. She was perhaps too young and too keen re-invent the world to understand it at the time, but even a half-life teaches you some lessons: bad things do happen to good people (but they also happen to bad people, too), the thing you're looking for will always be in the last place you look, and if you want to be accepted, you must first accept yourself.
You see, I spent so long mourning for the loss of what I used to be that I neglected to be grateful for what I am: a survivor, and an achiever (who just happens to have a mental illness). This latter fact isn't the bad apple in the barrel that you might imagine. It's just a different apple; a part of me, no more or less significant than if I had Asthma, or Diabetes. It wasn't until I accepted this that I developed the confidence to start on the road to recovery. I still haven't learned to cross that road yet, but for the first time in fifteen years I'm standing at the crossing with hope.
Leah
Lincolnshire, UK.
Monday, 24 September 2012
Happenings! 24th Spetember 2012
Just to say "hello" I'm still here! :)
DWD on Facebook has grow so large and so busy! On the one hand it's amazing to see over 9400 people all being there to support each other through their daily struggles, through the worldwide mindfield of getting help and of how to respond to the well known "pull yourself together" brigade. On the other hand I find it deeply sad that so many people are suffering with mental health illness and the stigma which is still attached to it.
We have an amazing album there which shows pictures people have taken of the areas in which they live. WOW our planet it amazingly beautiful and our members photographs show this so well! It still amazes me how small the world has become with technology and how quickly I can be talking to people in Australia, America, Hawaii and Canada amongst others as easily as talking to people in my own country and my own front room in Surrey, UK...
Over the next few days and weeks I'm going to be posting some truly inspirational guest blogs by our members on DWD and our FB page. It's something I feel strongly about - giving people a voice and breaking down the stigma of mental health illness through educating people as to how things really are. I will be including other related blogs too. I'm hoping that this will be a brilliant resource for anyone who isn't able to put into words how they are feeling as well as being a starting point for a "It's not just me" moment and a starting point for talking to those around you about mental health illness, depression, anxiety, paranoia and other related issues.
Huge thank you's to anyone brave enough to email me their story!
Suzi.
DWD on Facebook has grow so large and so busy! On the one hand it's amazing to see over 9400 people all being there to support each other through their daily struggles, through the worldwide mindfield of getting help and of how to respond to the well known "pull yourself together" brigade. On the other hand I find it deeply sad that so many people are suffering with mental health illness and the stigma which is still attached to it.
We have an amazing album there which shows pictures people have taken of the areas in which they live. WOW our planet it amazingly beautiful and our members photographs show this so well! It still amazes me how small the world has become with technology and how quickly I can be talking to people in Australia, America, Hawaii and Canada amongst others as easily as talking to people in my own country and my own front room in Surrey, UK...
Over the next few days and weeks I'm going to be posting some truly inspirational guest blogs by our members on DWD and our FB page. It's something I feel strongly about - giving people a voice and breaking down the stigma of mental health illness through educating people as to how things really are. I will be including other related blogs too. I'm hoping that this will be a brilliant resource for anyone who isn't able to put into words how they are feeling as well as being a starting point for a "It's not just me" moment and a starting point for talking to those around you about mental health illness, depression, anxiety, paranoia and other related issues.
Huge thank you's to anyone brave enough to email me their story!
Suzi.
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